"There I was, minding my own business, when Jesus walks up..."
It sounds like the beginning of a bad joke, but one boring August Sunday that's what happened.
I say, "Jesus", but of course it was just some guy playing dress-up. And it would have all been in good fun if "Jesus" hadn't turned out to be an asshole.
We found out later he was part of some Church ministry, complete with disciples, er, camera crew (guess fishermen aren't as useful nowadays), and set out to troll In Real Life, and for some reason chose my booth to victimize. Could possibly have something to do with the monsters and pentacles being sold...
I was reading a paper(see above: boring Sunday), and notice the Son of God was standing in front of me. I thought we'd exchange some ironic pleasantries and that would be the end of it and Jesus would move on. Jesus had other ideas. He started talking about Satan being "here":
"Here?" says I, expecting a Pagan slur.
"Everywhere!" He clarifies. "All around," gesturing sweepingly to the entire Market.
Okay, it's not a Pagan slur, he's having a go at everyone. Fair enough, but still not appropriate.
About this time I bellowed "I FOUND JESUS!" which was heard at least two rows over. The hope was to offend the git's pride with mockery, and he'd move on. Boy was I wrong. The most he did was blink in shock. Gotta give Missionary Bootcamp kudos.
Then I tell him he has to move on, he's blocking business. Jesus argues with me. I get up and start walking around the table, knowing when I get there, I'll be frog marching the Son of God away from my booth...if he's foolish enough to be still standing there. Which he was.
Where do they get them? Are they grown in a vat in a church basement? A creationist experiment gone wrong?
I take by the elbow and forcibly escort him past the front of the booth, holy objections not withstanding. Meanwhile, a neighbor has gone to get security. Then Jesus
comes back for more,
and I forcibly escort him away on the other side of the booth. At this point he petulantly says, "Do you want to get arrested?" I was too stunned to reply. Jesus repeatedly interfered with a place of business, after being told to leave, and thinks the cops were going to back him up? Laughable in the extreme.
In any case, Jesus got the message and gave up trying to save my soul. In fact he gave up trying to save the Market. After exchanging words with another vendor, he left in a hurry. He was probably told what he should have checked out before his stunt:
Yes, it is a public/shared space, but we pay to be down here. He didn't. He may talk to people in passing, if he's walking along, but he has no right to block or interfere with vendors, our business or market operations.
If Jesus really wants to preach at the Market, he can sign up as a busker and stand in a designated corner and do his schtick, like the other street preachers. But apparently that wasn't glamorous enough for the Son of God, because we never saw him again.
Meanwhile the story has grown in the telling. It's said Jesus got his ass kicked...I don't bother correcting people.
Photo courtesy of "Bike Bling".
